20150628

coming out




my natural attraction was towards girls, all my crushes were exclusively on girls
i been thought about why is that a bad thing that me
actually is hard thing for me to talk because i care about the people that i've been in relationship with,my friends, my family
honestly i been cry before while webcam with my bestie with chatting of this kind of issues. i will scary that i will affect she if someday i ver explore by other that i am gay. i scary other will think that she is weird with why did she friends with a gay . i scary....i will lost her. but on that time of chatting, i dunno how to let her know my feeling, so i just keep saying 'im sorry' ,but actually i really want to say 'i love you and thanks for always be there whatever ridiculous how i am' but i can't talk all this easy out cause i knew that she will be think that i ver emotionally or maybe ridiculous again,but im not！i just appreciate her.

'i gonna try my best and walk you through my mind ' here this a sentences i been say to a man who i really think he is good.
i can care about man but i can't be in love with a man and i can't get myself fully and completely to man physically,emotionally, because it just it's not in my natural and i just keep telling myself now this is it bad to like so many other people have it way worse than the world and i was just living this quietly unhappy life on right i just keep telling myself essentially i wasn't where there unhappiness and i didn't deserve it that's essentially what i was telling myself this entire time.

i had this wall up for so much of my life but it wasn't like this break a stone wall i've described it to my friends in this glass wall where you could feel me but you're never getting all of me because there is still that barrier and i push so many people away, especially girls and women because i was afraid of getting too close and developing feelings and then just i didn't even wanna know what would happen i was so afraid i felt like i did not deserve to be happy .

A real relationship is two way deal it's not one sided one person shouldn't just be feeling love on the other one felt we're running away ,both people should be in the relationship ,both people should be present because both people are were the whole life.

when i try to kiss somebody with no relationship, i felt this is pretty good and i don't even have feeling for this person,imagine if i had feeling~

i just wanna say i love you all guys